you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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