seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
