dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
