seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My dick has a subreddit
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
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