On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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