After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
