If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
