fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
