I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
