dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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