True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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