my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
