sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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