just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
