I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize