her vagine was all disorganized.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Randomize
