She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
