dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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