i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
