I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
