he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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