he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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