Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
two words: eviction party
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
