Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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