There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
All I want is dick and wine.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
