I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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