I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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