my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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