worst night to have a conscience
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
