I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
In America we eat man semen.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
