i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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