I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
