he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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