I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
