who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
