Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
