I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
