I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Randomize
