I like to think it a success when the cops are called
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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