Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
