every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize