Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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