and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Also, beer. Big fan.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
