He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
