Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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