I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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