just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
