WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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