shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Your mouth is God's brothel.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
