There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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