which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I intend to get homeless drunk
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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