When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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