Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
