Her vagina should come with caution tape.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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