you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Less talking, more tequila
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
