Apparently you make a good broom.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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