Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I am one with the molecules
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
