70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You are the jesus of drinking
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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