New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize